Me and my girl weren’t together when I got the call. Damn. Another baby. I was ticked because I knew it was mine. All I kept thinking was, I don’t have time for this— not now and not again. I’m in the military so I literally don’t have time AND I already have a little girl that I go see when I can… she’s four.
Me and my ex-girlfriend talked about it and we couldn’t seem to agree on anything; guess that’s why we broke up in the first place. I offered her some money to take care of it but she went ballistic! Swore she was gonna hit me. When she cooled off, she suggested adoption and that’s when I went ballistic— ain’t no way I’m giving my baby away. She kept begging me to give this adoption counselor a call. After telling her I didn’t need a counselor, I left.
Two weeks later, maybe three, I received a call from this lady named Stephanie. She was with an agency called Legacy whom my ex had been counseling with for awhile now. I wanted to hang up but, I didn’t wanna be rude so I decided to listen for five minutes. She told me that adoption is about doing what the parents, me and my ex, think is best for our baby. If we believe it is best for our baby to live in a two-parent home where our baby can get all the support he or she needs, adoption is an option to consider. If we think it’s best for our baby to be financially stable and blah blah blah. I have money, that’s not the problem. I told her, I want the baby and my ex doesn’t. She asked if I would raise the baby in my home… Shit. I didn’t— I mean I can’t. I’m moving up in the military and I’m going to school. “I just don’t understand why she can’t raise another kid because she already has two!” As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I was wrong and selfish, damn, was I selfish. Right then, my ex’s voice rang in my head, “I’m not fixing to be your baby mama.” I hung up. Stephanie tried to call back but I ignored it. This is too hard. Why is this so hard?
Two days later, Stephanie texted me to check on how I was doing. I decided I’d call her back but I was NOT going to apologize. She told me adoption doesn’t have to be goodbye; I can get pictures, letters, and updates of baby as he or she grows. I told her I knew my ex wanted it closed and what Stephanie said surprised me. I could get my own updates customized to me and sent to my place regardless of what my ex wanted. I could also get visits with my baby every year on his or her birthday! Of course, I would want this in writing but that’s legit.
We talked a couple more times that month. My only other reason I still didn’t want adoption is because I was in foster care, which gave me some of the roughest childhood memories that I probably still haven’t let go. She told me that this family would be the only family my child would ever be placed with and to remember that me and my ex are still baby’s family, forever. I was glad to hear that because, it would hurt mentally if I couldn’t be a part of my child’s life, but I think I could be okay looking at things from a distance. Like she suggested, it’s kind of like my four-year-old daughter since I only get to see her monthly. I guess my ex is doing what’s best because my four-year-old doesn’t have everything she deserves.
I do agree that adoption is beneficial for this child. I want to be selfish and keep the baby but, I feel it, deep down that that’s not right. My counselor said that this experience was taking something unexpected and changing into something beautiful… I think she’s right.
